Here's the thing they don't tell you about depression: it's not just sadness. It's a little different for each person who experiences it, but it can include apathy, frustration, exhaustion (both physical and mental/emotional), hopelessness, and even anger.
In my case, anger is the most intense part of it. I'm angry at this dysfunctional body, I'm angry at a culture that writes off my illness as something easily treated, I'm angry at friends and family who have pulled back, despite that being a perfectly normal response to someone who's been struggling for so long without improvement, I'm angry at a "health care" system that has nothing to do with health or caring, and I'm angry at a medical establishment that keeps trying to throw pills at every problem instead of funding research to better understand the root causes.
I'm angry at the fact that it can take months or years to get an appointment with a qualified mental health practitioner, only to discover that they aren't a good fit. I'm angry that my only back-up plan is to go to the Emergency Room, where I'll sit for hours waiting to be seen by someone who wants to keep the statistics looking profitable, incur bills I can't pay, and get nothing more than a prescription for whatever medication the doctor deems appropriate after a cursory examination. I'm angry that suicide help-lines have two options: go to the ER or take down some phone numbers for practitioners who have months-long wait lists.
And I'm bloody furious at politicians who think it's okay to cut subsidies to health insurance plans that keep people like me alive. DC needs a reality check, pronto.
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